| Baby news? Hardly. |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|02:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
For my entire life, I've always felt as though my calling is to be a mom. I'm not sure why, but I've always felt very strong about this. Now that I'm married, and the idea of being a mother isn't so far from reality, I'm starting to freak out.
Some people close to me have started having babies, and that in and of itself is crazy. (No, I'm not talking about illegitimate "oops got drunk at a party in DeLand" babies. Those have been popping out for years. I'm talking about "We've been married for a few years and are financially stable and have made the choice to start having babies" babies.) And watching these friends of mine step out into parenthood and getting to be a part of the support has been an incredible blessing. But it has stirred up some seriously devastating (albeit completely irrational) fears in my head.
I've had issues surrounding weight gain and my body since I can remember. I first started scrutinizing and crash dieting when I was twelve. TWELVE. That's when I first decided to limit myself to only a bowl of oatmeal a day because I was "getting fat." (Or, hitting puberty and getting CURVES.) This led to years of destructive eating habits and an unhealthy mental state and all sorts of problems. I finally got help in 2007 after being diagnosed with an eating disorder. To this day, I still struggle with it. But it's much more manageable, and it's a lot easier to believe I'm beautiful when I'm chasing after God hardcore and married to someone as wonderful (and as painfully attracted to me) as Dan.
All that to say, I'm so scared that getting pregnant and watching my body grow will be too much for me to handle. The doctors will say the weight gain is normal, they'll tell me that I'm supposed to look that way, and I'm terrified I won't believe them and will be completely miserable. Worse than that, I'm scared that when Dan tells me I'm beautiful, I won't believe him in the slightest, and it will only cause pain and friction in our relationship in a time where we should be fawning over each other and the baby night and day. And even worse, I'm scared that Dan really WON'T find me attractive when I'm pregnant or after I've had the baby, sealing the fate that my body "will never be the same."
My good friend Ashley is in labor right now and all throughout the pregnancy her husband Mark kept telling me, "She's so sexy and beautiful [pregnant]. I always want to touch her!" And Ashley DOES look very beautiful both pregnant and not. But she's small. I'm not small. So in my head I think to myself, "I hope Dan's not expecting me to be beautiful when I'm pregnant. I'll be swollen, puffy, huge, and disgusting. Not beautiful like Ashley is."
I can only hope that all of these crazy issues get worked out before I get pregnant. Maybe that's why I've been blessed with watching Ashley and Mark and my other friends go through this first, so that I can see the truth and diffuse the lies that have been festering in my heart. Acknowledging them now is one way for me to start shifting my paradigm. I'm trying to nip this thing in the bud before I have children so that when I do, I can put all my energy into loving my kids and my husband (and myself) the way God intended me to.
I'm also getting increasingly more fearful of pregnancy complications. My friend just gave birth to a premature girl who died after only being alive one week, and my other friend is due in February and may have to give birth this month. It's not fair, it's so sad, and it hurts my heart. I can't imagine what those women and their husbands are going through. I'm not even in that situation and thinking about it makes me so sick I could vomit.
Last night I had a dream that Dan and I had a baby boy. He was beautiful and I loved him so much even though he wasn't real. I suppose this is where this all came from.
This is longer than I thought it would be. |
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| 23 weeks. |
[Dec. 10th, 2009|12:57 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | maps, yeah yeah yeahs | ] |
That's how long it's been since I've posted. That's a dang long time ago.
Hm.. let's see... what's happened since then?
Still living in Tally. Still loving it. It's not perfect, but I'm not looking for perfection.
It's about that time of year for me to miss my family in just enough time for me to go spend a few hectic holiday days with them. It's going to be rad/terrible. Just like always.
Made some really good new friends in town and that's awesome. The only problem with living in a serious college town though is that everyone else is going to move soonish. :( but oh well. We'll stay in touch and that just means road trips. And you know I love me a good road trip.
Pretty much every other day I wonder why it ever made sense to live so far from Lindsay for such a long time. It's a blessing to have her so near to me, even if we sometimes have to go a few days without quality time cause of work, obligations, etc.
Well that's really about it. I miss Pensacola sometimes. I miss the people in it (or from it) even more. We need a good reunion here soon. I'm bad at staying in touch. I don't know what I'd do without facebook, twitter, etc. Seriously.
Okay, if you're reading this, I love you. I do. Even if we aren't really good friends. I bet that if we ran into each other soon I'd give you a giant hug. OH AND ONE OF YOU.... I THINK... is moving to Tally???? Let me know about that.
hearts forever. |
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